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Repair is absolutely crucial in any kind of relationship, particularly intimate relationships.” Here are four things you can do instead of trying to change your partner that can change your relationship for the better.Many people stay in bad relationships with the desire to change their partner. Harriet Lerner writes, “If you don’t change your part in a stuck pattern, no change will occur.By talking about this in my office, Ben finally understood Alicia’s fear of being alone.
Change comes from the bottom up: that is from the person who is in the most pain, or who has the least power, or who has lost or compromised too much in the relationship.” When you focus on changing your partner, you miss the opportunity to work together to come up with a solution. Instead, focus on the issues at hand to meet both of your needs.
Anger is usually a symptom of underlying hurt, fear, and frustration, so speak in I statements and focus on expressing your feelings in a vulnerable way that invites your partner to understand your pain, rather than pushes them away.
Even in those cases, it is possible to accept the person even if you do not accept their behavior.
What Ben and Alicia don’t realize is that they aren’t really arguing about the amount of time they spend together.
Do you spend more time questioning your partner’s words or actions than examining your own?
Blaming your partner can feel good in the moment, but it’s dangerous because it can lead to anger and resentment. After watching thousands of couples in his lab for over 40 years, Dr.The underlying issue in their marriage is that neither partner is able to express their needs in a non-blameful way.They had never discussed what alone time and time together meant to each of them.Yet most of us aren't fashion models or Hollywood stars.Most of us are real, down-to-earth people who have a few extra curves or pounds. “I’ve asked Alicia to give me space, but things don’t appear to be changing.Tags: Adult Dating, affair dating, sex dating